Thursday, January 29, 2009

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a... :(

...this was my morning...

Cricket got up, made a pot of coffee and left for work...

Beestro's sensor went off and he climbed up on top of me to say "Good Morning".  You may not know this, but cats have a sensor, it goes off when you have a full bladder and are trying to sleep and, for reasons unknown, they are drawn to lay on top of you...  perhaps they think if they press down on the full bladder hard enough, the sensor will go off...

Needless to say, I got up...

I poured my apportioned 1/4 cup of Java (this all that is left after Cricket has had two cups and taken a travel mug for the ride in to the office)...

..and lo, to my surprise, I had been left a message on the counter...  (I took a picture of it because I just couldn't believe it)

...a frownie face...

Somehow, my pouring skills had managed to create a frownie face on the counter...

I'm not superstitious, but I thought to myself, "Gee, this can't be good..."

...I've decided to make myself cup of tea instead of a second pot of java...

Wish me luck  (oh wait, that's superstitious)...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

So this seems to be the next thing going around and, well, I'm not too proud to share... I thought it would be interesting to post on my blog...

1. My nieces and nephews do not refer to me as uncle - only my friends' children.
2. When I was 14, I truly believed that if I prayed hard enough and believed (without doubt) God would make me 6 ft tall. (I did, he didn't, it's not an issue.)
3. For much of my youth I had a recurring dream that I was asleep on a train and the conductor would wake me at Station 38; so I always thought I'd die at 38. (I didn't)
4. I love to make people laugh.
5. I love people that make me laugh.
6. Winter is my favorite season. I believe that life is winter.
7. "Field of Dreams" is my favorite movie.
8. "'Til we have Faces" is my favorite book. I have read it every year since my sophomore year in college.
9. When I was a minister, there was a little girl in the church who called me Pastor Silly.
10. I have nearly 1300 european glass ornaments for my Christmas tree, it took me 5 days to put it up this year. (I haven't yet taken it down)
11. I intend to throw a 7 course, formal dessert party before I die.
12. I like driving little red cars.
13. I still have Melissa's engagement ring.
14. I send reminders to my friends about my birthday.
15. I love to make things; so I sew, bake, throw pottery and woodwork.
16. I believe in the power of food.
17. I have toured the caves in the Rock of Gibraltar.
18. I love board games - and only ever play to win.
19. I have never, ever, wanted to have children of my own.
20. I believe with my whole heart that winning the lottery would ruin my life (but I do buy tickets on occasion because I would love to give that much money away)
21. I once held a woman's hand while she died.
22. Most of my poetry is too private to share so I delete it once I've finished it.
23. I do not like going to the doctor.
24. I don't really have aspirations or dreams for the future.
25. (BlanK) because I'd like to hear a random thing about myself that someone else has to share...


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Mrs Malaprop and the cost of being brilliant...

One of the problems I have noticed with spell-check is that it will sometimes correct your misspelled word with a word that is not at all the word you want.  There is nothing I enjoy more than receiving these in an email; not a collection of them, but the "real" kind when the unsuspecting writer doesn't know that I will forward on to other readers (or re-tell the story) so that they too will have the chance to laugh at the misuse.  You may think this is nasty, but I just can't help it, I think malaproprisms are hysterical for several reasons:

I'm just imaginative/warped enough to take the incorrectly used word and consider what the impact would be if that word were actually the correct word.  I recently read another blog where a blogger commented on loving to read books and enjoying each of the "antidotes"...  so if she didn't really mean "anecdote" and did mean "antidote", what books is she reading?  This is not so much a funny example, but let's start here.

You see, I love to play along...  So when a foreign friend of mine would remark that she was always the Bundt of every joke...  I'd just smile and say that was because she was so sweet and that the jokes really have a hole in them.

Another reason I find them so funny is because they sometimes come along in the most serious of places.  Baloney and I once had a director level who was so self-important that she did not proof read her emails; this was clear.  She was planning to be out on a Friday and (because she was so important) sent an email to alert all her underlings of her impending absence.  Yet, not so important that she didn't proof read the email and sent a message with an incorrect date and reach number.  When this was brought to her attention she sent a follow-up email (which I saved for years and forwarded when we needed a smile).  In this email she gave all the correct information and then apologized for any "incontinence" caused by her first email.  I off course responded, accepting her apology, but noted that it was not the first email which caused the  incontinence, but the second...(yes, we laughed that hard)...

The last reason I find them so funny is, well, I do hate to admit this, but I can't help laughing when I realize just how stupid someone is.  Once I was in a Bible Study group that was lead by different members of the group...  we would take turns and the topics or passages would depend on the member who was leading that night and whatever they wanted to study or talk about.  Well, women love to talk about love and, true to form, one night a member of the group decided she was going to lead a study on the three types of love found in the Bible.  (Stay with me-For those of you who don't know them, they are "eros" where we get the word "erotic", "phileo" which is where the City of Brotherly Love gets it's name, and "agape" used to describe god's love for us.)  For reasons un-known to me this member decided to get to "brotherly love"  last and started her last section with the statement, "there is nothing more wonderful than fellatio love between two Christian brothers".  

I gasped and laughed...

She continued.

I remarked that I didn't think that was actually in the Bible.

She remarked that maybe we didn't read the same Bible because it was mentioned over and over again in the New Testament and then she launched into the remainder of her lesson which was so fraught with double-entendres that I nearly burst...  afterward the other members of the group remarked to me that they were too embarrassed to explain to her the true meaning of her word of choice...  I was not embarrassed, but thoroughly entertained...  Anyone determined to persist in their own stupidity "diverses" what they get... 


Friday, January 23, 2009

BMI and a chance for greatness!

OK, let's just put it out there...  I'm 43 y/o, 5'5 and I weigh 210lbs...  and no this isn't some on-line dating profile (afterall, I'd have lied about my age and weight...  OK and my height)

Yup, I've put on some pounds since losing my job in July.  (I will only remark that with so much time on my hands I should have gotten into terrific shape - I didn't).  I do love to cook - I've already expressed that and it's not so much even cooking as it is baking; I have a collection of dessert cookbooks that I have amassed, and oddly enough I actually use them.  

I will agree that 210 is a little on the heavy side for a guy who stands 5'5 and I might even quote Garfield in saying that it's "not so much that I'm overweight, but that I'm undertall."  Yeah, I'm a little heavier than I like to be and my jeans are a little too snug (which is easily remedied by simply not washing them - however, this is not really an option).

So I signed up today for the challenge.  It's this on-line, Oprah, BiggestLoser thing where people-of-size are logging in to get encouragement and diet plans to help shed some weight...  50 Million is a big goal...


Click here to check your BMI...

...and I did...

...and I don't know why.  I've been here before.  At 5'5 my "ideal weight" (someone's ideal weight for me) is 150 pounds.  How could that possibly be true?  How could I be sixty pounds overweight at 5'5 and still be able to zip my "clean" 34 waist jeans (which are admittedly snug, Ok the 36 waists are snug too) but wouldn't it stand to reason that at 60 pounds over weight I'd be wearing something much larger...  

I think so...

...back when I had a job, there was an LPN (Audrey - Not the one from Little Shop) at the office who one could visit at no charge...  she wrote prescriptions, did basic stuff and it was a great perk (incidentally, it was THE perk, but I won't complain about my old employer - [just this] 4wks of severance for 10 years of service-are you kidding me?).

After casually mentioning to Audrey that my dad had a triple by-pass (was I on CRACK?) she demanded that I come in for some blood work etc...  I hopped on the scale.  She checked the weight.  She turned to look at me.  She raised her eyebrow (you know the single eyebrow raise and what that means).  

Me: "What?"
Her: "Here, sit down."

She opened the big book displaying the BMI chart.  As her penned moved across the page without making any mark she tapped on the spot where my height was indicated, 

"your height" she said...

her pen deftly moved to a brightly colored spot and tapped,

"your ideal weight" (with a smile, with a smile... oh, sinister)

but as I watched her pen move WAAAAAY across the page she said

"your current weight" 

and  she  tapped  the  word     OBESE.

me: "You think I'm obese?"


me: (louder) "No, really?  You think I'm obese?"


This continued for a while as I protested and she tapped the word...

...but I got my revenge...  Imagine the horror struck in the hearts of all the secretaries I worked with when told how I had innocently stepped on a scale and was deemed (classified, branded) obese...  

...and now, I'm even obeser (if that's a word)...

So, I've joined 50MillionPounds and hopefully my weight loss will make someone out there happy.  As for my goal, well there is no way I could ever lose 60 pounds, I'm just shooting for "fat", since when you're obese there's no where to go, but down...


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Top Chef-Season Spoiler

"TOP CHEF" SEASON SPOILER - Jamie wins with a seared scallop; judges impressed with her thinking outside the box!  

Are you completely disappointed with "TOP CHEF" this season?  I am!  Not that the chefs are without talent (tho I do think they stacked the deck with several that were too green to really compete).  ...nor have I anything against the scallop queen.

Why did I love "Top Chef"?  Why do I watch the "Food Network Challenges"?  What is it about Gordon Ramsey and his "Kitchen Nightmares"?  Why the "Ace of Cakes" and how could it possibly have lasted more than half a season?  These shows inspire me...  Yeah, I'm an out-of- work guy who loves to cook.  

Cooking shows, well, they're boring...  OK, I love the way Contessa is shot, I'd love Lydia to ask me to dinner, Paula has taught me to use butter and mayo when I cook/Emril some more spice, and Danny Boome (well, what can you say)...

but these shows I catch if they are on - I don't DVR them...  I WANT TO BE INSPIRED!

I want to watch pastry chefs create 8 foot sugar sculptures that come crashing to the floor when moved from table to table.  For my Christmas party this year, I almost made a sugar showpiece.  Cricket talked me out of it; I'm certain he didn't want to be finding sugar shards of "icicle and snowman" in the dining room carpet at Easter time.

I want to hear Gordon say, "the ^&%& dish should be @%!&ing simple you @%&*ing idiot"... HE'S RIGHT, when I found a recipe for pork chops with just butter, celery and onion, I thought, "No Way", but I could hear Gordon (swearing at me) in the back of my mind and now those pork chops are something guests have asked me for over and again.

I need to see Duff Goldman's team working and failing and trying and pushing to make cakes that spin and explode and gross me out and completely charm the customer who buys them.
I can't make simple cakes anymore.  They have to have a theme!  They have to have rolled fondant and color and fireworks. (I haven't really tried the fireworks - again, Cricket talking me out of it)

I never braised an "anything" until last year when the Top Chefs made short ribs a few times...  now, they are the favorite dish!

But hey, everyday there seems to be a new culinary competition show popping up (TED ALLEN even has one - BIG FAN of TED ALLEN here!)  So even tho I will no longer be watching the "Real Housewives of Top Chef" which has clearly lost its edge, I've got my DVR poised for some shows that really get me fired up. (excuse the pun, please)

Inspire me kids, inspire me!!! post will no doubt be something on "Biggest Loser"...


Friday, January 16, 2009

Happy Me

So here I am, unemployed, putting on weight and wondering if I'm ever going to find a job that I actually want to do.  Yeah, I had a job and I've had jobs and well I just don't know that those are what I want to do anymore...  crunching numbers, making spread sheets and counting other people's pennies.  Don't get me wrong, I want to work, but I just don't want to be stuck in that same corporate  rut that I found myself in...

Maybe I'll put my Masters in Education to work and get a job teaching...

Can you tell I haven't made anything in a while.  The thing about being unemployed is that I feel guilty being creative.  I feel like I should be job hunting and all I end up doing is scanning the same postings on line for jobs I don't want to do...  I want to make something...  maybe lunch...