Little Shop, Little Shop of Crochet

It wasn't too many Christmases ago that Louie gave me a large crochet hook and a few skeins of yarn; she thought I would enjoy learning to crochet and the yarn had a pattern (directions) on the packaging.  The yarn was a dark pea-green chenille, and tho I had never tried my hand at it, I found that it wasn't too difficult to master a double crochet.  In not too much time I had produced a very interesting looking scarf (and several piles of chenille fuzz).  I made several for friends who were man enough to wear them and found that either:

a) I was doing something wrong   or

b) One had to be VERY tall to wear them  (I stuff most of mine into my coat so that I don't trip over it and break my neck)

One winter the scarf found its way around my neck and when I explained that I had learned to crochet some years back Cricket replied,

"I'd like to learn how to crochet."

"Oh, you would?"

"Yes."

"Well, I can teach you what I know."

...and so we embarked on that journey...  We bought yarn, lots of yarn (because when you're learning to do anything you have delusions of grand accomplishment) and hooks (because someday you'll need one in every size imaginable) and books with patterns (don't ask, but yes you can still buy them).  And we began the lessons...

"It's like this..."

"Yes, but..."

"...but what?"

"Aren't you right-handed?"

"Yes.  I'm still right-handed."

"Well, I'm left-handed so shouldn't I crochet differently?"

Here is the thing.  "Crochet" (summed up) is managing to find a way to put a series of knots in LOTS of yarn in some-sense-of-ordered way so that when you're done:

a: it doesn't unravel

b: it can be recognized as a "something"

...and so Cricket learned to crochet, and I suppose in some small way I helped that along, but I'm not sure how and to this day I still can't watch because the method is so very confusing; nonetheless it seems to work.

Then, one day...

"I'm going to crochet a scarf."

"Nice"

"I start with a chain, right?"

"Yes."

CHAIN. CHAIN. CHAIN.

"That's a very long chain."

"Yes, I think I'll make an afghan instead."

"Ok, but it's sill a very long chain."

CHAIN. CHAIN. CHAIN.

...and it was born, the scarf-ghan.  Seasons passed, seasons of American Idol, Lost, Project Runway, Top Chef, Heroes and that home improvement show (the one where they knock your house down and build you a mansion for which - if you could afford the taxes - you'd have never been a candidate for the show in the first place)...  and it grew and it grew and it grew.  

(If only I had thought to buy stock in Lion Brand Yarn)

"I'm going out to buy yarn."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure."

"There's a Walmart right across the Pennsylvania border, they still have yarn."

Making this thing wasn't a craft, it was giving birth to Godzilla.  When finished we found that it could easily blanket two king-size beds with room to spare.

I could not have suspected what was to happen.  My first clue should have been the disappearance of one of the cats, (I thought we had two and then one day...we only had one).  My second clue should have been Nancy-boo falling unconscious when it wrapped itself around her in the Big chair.  ...but I was blind.  Then one sleepless night, I was wooed to the couch and seduced to pull the monster over me to stay warm.  The weight was unreal.  The scarf-ghan shifted over me and tho I fought it, I found that I was no match for it.  Of course it was heavy (not from truckloads of yarns) it has a digestive system and a full muscle structure.  Finally, it let me go, tho at the time I wasn't certain why...

Then last summer Cricket decided that Nancy-boo needed a scarf-ghan of her own for Christmas and again endeavored to produce one (you probably noticed that several small countries had booming economies, boosted by last year's yarn sales). 

...you see their plan now, don't you...  They will reproduce and smother humankind on a chilly night with a false sense of "cozy".

Scarf-ghan 2 (and this time she's angry) was presented to Nancy-boo for Christmas (in a gift bag that I sewed - thank you very much)...  

She has not yet recognized the signs.  Of it she says...

"It's too big to control, it won't let me get up when I need a drink or have to pee..."

"The cat gets comfy and I can't pry her out of it..."

Oh well...

I'm sorry to report that I have also become a pawn in the "take-over of the cozies" and am even now drawing up plans for what will (no doubt) be the craze next year for Christmas.  I'm thinking of making something like a "Snuggy", but (get this) without the armholes.  I need to think up a good name for it...

Cricket thinks I should call it "a blanket".

-silly